Living a half human life.

I grew up this way. Believing in sunshines, days filled with laughter, a summer where the birds were free, the peaceful drizzling afternoon with a cup of hot tea. I believed that this is how life is. Rainbows and fireflies. Happy and content. I believed in people, relationships, commitments and forever kind of love. That people will stay no matter what. I admired people who wished to settle with the sparseness of affection they got in return. They made conscious efforts to put it back together, no matter how puzzled and confusing life gets. I believed. Even with endless struggles, these small things nourish life and make it worth living. Maybe it does. Maybe these small things matters the most.

But I grew up experiencing some things entirely different and opposite. I grew up learning that one by one, at every stage of life, people leave. They just choose to go. Do what is convenient. No matter how hard you try to hold on. They just disappear in the crowd, in no time. The choices to fall in love with any person seemed like a piece of cake. And finding forever is like looking for needle in a haystack. Heartbreaks are common because replacements were easily available. Or maybe it’s just the way out. Tears have lost its value. I see friends crying, struggling to love. What I thought was love comes and stays effortlessly, but it wasn’t. All this built a new set of believes in me. In all these years, love, people, relationships, commitments had lost its essence in my life.

Disappointed! I had to shut doors and windows for these emotions. I ignored and kept my broken, half-stitched heart hugged close to self, away from more destruction. I lived and am happy all alone with few frequent episodes of self loathing and some nights wetting pillows without any certain reason in particular. I am 25 year old lady with no emotional attachments with anyone specifically. I am close to my friends and family and that is it. I value them because they are still there, supporting or not, but still there presence makes things easier and joyous. I go out seeing people from opposite sex but that limits to dine, drinks and dancing. I never felt the urge to step up my bar of acquaintance with any of those. I have no plans for permanent settlements. Where people around are getting serious in their relationship status, some friends getting married, some finally keeping it solid and real.

Time evolved me into something I wasn’t. But when I was young and stupid, I also wanted companionship, marriage, my own family and had a perfect picturesque of house with loving kids and caring husband. Maybe deep inside I still do. But now, all I can figure out is the short term plans of my life with respect to finance and professionalism. I want to earn, save and start an association of my own. I want to start and build up a place for people to heal and grow, a place where physical healing is as much important as spiritual, a place where everything mends and beautifies.

Self growth is the new agenda for me, I guess. But shouldn’t self growth should include emotional growth as well. And here by emotional growth I mean trying to trust humans again, trying to get attach again, maybe feeling love again. Maybe crying when I lose people. Maybe getting upset for more than few hours when people hurt and break trust. Maybe feeling a little deeper inside till a heart ache. That is how humans are made of, right? And now I can’t feel up to that intensity and that’s what scares the hell out of me.

Maybe, I am living a half human life. Human life is a part of both Musculinism and Feminism, I have learnt about it from “Bhagavad Gita” a guide to live better, goal-oriented and on positive scale. Masculinism is a part of living. Musculinism basically denotes the strength, stability attained from the male part of the community and Feminism is the part where the care, affection and emotion become dominant. And due to our nature to adapt, the feminist side in me has hazed out. This is what I call half-human life. Maybe like me, there are many other breathing souls in this era living incompletely . Either of the two livings. Isn’t it wrong in our part? Shouldn’t we live completely, shouldn’t we live fearlessly? But what If we don’t.

The choice is still ours, isn’t it? And if we feel content and peaceful and happy in this choice of living. Then, why not? I believe one should continue to live accordingly until feels otherwise. Until one feels the need to live differently. Or until one finds someone to share the same level of frequency. Until then, living this way isn’t a bad investment. Because you are anyway growing, so what’s wrong living half.

-Jyoti Vishwakarma

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